Oops  Happy New Year's Anyway!
by Howling in The New Year
Summary: When Charlie sees something going on at Jake's house, he thinks he knows what it is, but he couldn't be farther from the truth! Later, when everyone gets together for New Year's, they're in for a very hefty dose of laughter and wildly funny assumptions.


Howling In The New Year

Title: Oops…Happy New Year's Anyway!

Characters: Charlie, Bella, Sue, Billy, Jacob, Quil, Embry, Seth, Paul, Jared, Sam, Leah, Brady, Collin

Pairings: Sue & Charlie, Bella & Jacob

SM Owns Twilight

Rated: R

Werewolf sense and reflexes are lacking in this fic…

**OOPS…HAPPY NEW YEAR'S ANYWAY!**

Charlie Swan was a man of few words; he had seen his share of love, loss, and joy-and in the recent years-a lot of crazy things around Forks and La Push.

He kept his opinions to himself; after all, too much information was never a good thing.

Life had been good in the recent years, with his marriage to Sue, the disappearance of Edward Cullen from Bella's life-for good, and Bella staying with him while going to school in Peninsula, the fish were biting, and he now had two women cooking for him.

The people of Forks couldn't help but notice the smile on the face of their Chief of Police.

Today was one of those days. It was New Year's Eve, and he was going to spend it at home with Sue, Bella, Sue's kids, Billy, Jacob, and whoever else dropped in to bring in the new year.

Bella had made her special lasagna that morning before running off to hang out with her friends, and she made it especially for Billy. Charlie volunteered to drop it off so Billy could have some homemade lunch. When he called Billy, he was at some tribal meeting, but told Charlie to go ahead and put the lasagna in the fridge.

Charlie arrived at the Billy's house in the cop car. He balanced the lasagna in one hand and opened the door with the other. There was music blaring from the back bedroom-probably Jacob's. As he entered the kitchen to place the lasagna in the refrigerator, Jacob's bedroom door opened. Charlie placed the lasagna in and turned around to greet Jacob as he shut the door to the refrigerator.

Charlie smiled…and stopped smiling a second later.

Leaving Jacob's room were Embry and Quil…naked.

Charlie blinked and then bolted out of the room without a word to either of them. He didn't want to wait around to see what he knew was bound to happen next. Jacob would walk out of the room, and he would no longer be able to pretend that he didn't witness what he just witnessed.

Quil and Embry looked at each other, both mortified that the Chief of Police saw them naked.

"Why was the Chief here?" asked Quil as he went to inspect the lasagna in the refrigerator.

"I don't know. You think he'll tell Billy?" Embry asked worriedly.

"I hope not. Jake said we could use his room…." he stopped talking when Jacob's bedroom door opened and two scantily clad girls stepped out, smiling seductively at the boys.

"Hey, our game is finished," replied one girl, pouting her lips at Quil.

Embry, ever the sly one of the two, replied back, "No it's not, you still have two pieces of clothes to get rid off. The game's not over until everyone's naked."

"And when your clothes finally do come off, I want a lap dance," added Quil. The other girl giggled and moved to Quil, tracing her fingers over his abs.

"Why don't we skip the game and let you boys remove our clothes with your teeth," she suggested seductively.

"Done," said Embry and Quil, leading the girls back to Jacob's bedroom, forgetting all about Chief Swan.

Charlie Swan was so disturbed by the turn of events that his mind switched off of cop-mode. If he had been paying attention to his surroundings at all, he would have walked over the garage to see what was making all that noise. Instead, he got in the car and tried to get the hell out of LaPush.

It's a good thing Charlie didn't go the garage, surely seeing his daughter, naked and writhing on the floor while a naked Jacob pleasured her with his tongue, lips, and fingers would have sent the man to a hospital.

Of course, Bella and Jacob didn't hear a car racing down the road; they were too busy hearing the moans and screams escaping from their own lips.

(They continued pleasuring themselves for another hour, or at least until Bella Swan was sobbing from being thoroughly and repetitively pleasured.)

Poor Chief Swan was so distracted that he almost ran over Seth Clearwater.

"Charlie, what's going on?" asked Seth, worried about Charlie driving down the road like he was being chased by a vampire.

"Oh, nothing Seth. What are you up to?" asked Charlie, attempting to fake a smile.

"Oh nothing, Brady, Collin and I are going to head down to Jacob's. Quil and Embry are already there so they probably all got started without us, even though I begged them not to start without me." Charlie Swan's face turned a few shades red, before turning green. He gripped the steering wheel tightly, unsure of what to do or say.

He didn't get a chance to say anything when he noticed Sam Uley, Jared, and Paul heading over towards them. It was at this time, Charlie noticed that all of the boys were just wearing cut off sweatpants. Seth too.

"Aren't you guys cold?" Charlie asked Seth as he waved to the boys.

"Oh no, things get pretty hot, you know. Plus it's easier to get these pants off when we're in the moment…" Seth stopped talking, realizing he was talking to someone who wasn't in on the secret. As he looked at Charlie, he noticed Charlie's face taking a bright new shade of red, and that he was gripping the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles turned white.

"Seth, hey, you heading down to Jacob's?" asked Sam as he and the other boys got closer to Charlie's car. Jared and Paul nodded at Charlie, but he just stared back at the four boys, his mind gathering all of the information in front of him.

"Yeah, I gotta meet up with Brady and Collin," Seth said smiling at the three boys. Charlie's eyes widened at the sight of Seth's happy face.

"Hey, Leah called and said she'll be over in a while. She doesn't think you guys know what's the best

way to do it, and she wants to watch" Paul commented. Jared decided to pipe in as well,

"Yeah, she doesn't think you guys will be able to reach the spot," Charlie choked when he heard this comment, and coughed loudly.

"I should get going," he said to no one in particular and took off before any of the boys could say bye to him.

"What's with him?" asked Sam.

"Don't know," replied Seth with a shrug.

When Charlie arrived at the house, Sue had been taking a nap, which suited Charlie just fine. He had research to do.

As he switched on the computer and waited for the machine to boot up, he couldn't help but think about all he had seen.

Jacob Black, his best friend's son, was…and so were Quil and Embry. Oh God, Sam, Paul, Jared. Oh no, his step-son too. What about Leah? Why did she want to watch?

He remembered long ago, when Bella had come home crying over Sam Uley not letting Jacob hang out with her. Was this really what Sam Uley had been doing with the boys?

As he found himself at a search engine, Charlie started typing in words he never thought he'd type into a computer.

Bella and Jacob, finally finished with their extra-curricular activities arrived back at Jacob's house as two girls emerged from inside of the house. They gawked at Jacob, not bothering to hide their lustful intentions.

As Jacob and Bella approached the house, one of the girls sauntered over to Jacob and whispered seductively,

"Why weren't you here with those two? I'd much rather lose at strip poker for you than for them," she purred, not bothering to glance at Bella. Of course, Bella stepped right in front of the girl and hissed,

"He doesn't need _you_ stripping for him, he has me! And _stripping_ is not all I do for him," she smirked as the girl took a step back. Jacob, turned on by a possessive Bella, picked her up and dragged her back to the garage.

"Jake!"

"Sorry Bells, you turned me on!" Jake exclaimed. Bella giggled and whispered in his ear while shooting daggers with her eyes at the girls, who stood in front of the house, staring at them with their mouths hanging open.

"I'll tell you what, Jake. I will get naked and give you the best blow job of your life against the Rabbit if you scream loud enough for those girls to know that they are never to approach you again!"

She wasn't kidding about giving him the best blow-job(s).

When the guys and Leah arrived at Jacob's house, they could hear Jacob, hell, anyone within a twelve-mile radius could probably hear him. Though none of the guys admitted it, they really couldn't wait to phase so they could find out what it was that Bella was doing to make her man scream like that.

The girls had since disappeared back into the house, deciding to give Bella the run for her money. Of course Embry and Quil did not object to offering themselves up as test subjects. The girls were

disappointed that the boys weren't screaming as loud as Jacob, and left, running out the door, offended.

"You have a small penis Quil Ateara!" screamed the girl and she ran past the guys howling in laughter.

"Sorry to interrupt the blow job fest guys, we can come back another time," Sam smirked as Quil exited Jacob's bedroom, red-faced, as Embry exited Billy's, laughing at his friend's expense.

"All right, enough laughing. Let's get this show on the road."

The pack had been impressed with the tree-jumping-to-window skill Jacob used every night to sneak into Bella's bedroom. They had agreed to assign patrol shifts by having a little competition. Since Billy was gone for the afternoon, they decided to hold the competition at Jacob's house, since the chances of being seen by other people around the rez were remote.

"All right, here are the rules," Sam bellowed. "First one to make it to the top of the roof with the fewest amount of steps wins. You get to pick your patrol time."

"Hey, isn't Jacob going to do this?" asked Collin, who was standing with Brady looking over towards the garage where they could still hear Jacob screaming.

"No, he said it was a stupid idea," said Jared.

"Which it is," chimed in Leah.

"All right, all right, let's get started," said Jared as Paul took his position to start the competition.

Sue awoke from her nap when she heard the front door close. She peeked out the window and saw Charlie backing out of the driveway in such a rush, he almost took out the mailbox. As she made her way downstairs, she saw the computer on and went to turn it off when the words on the page caught her eye.

Several browsers were open and Sue sat down to see them all. She was shocked to discover Charlie's secret.

Now that she thought about it, Charlie had been alone since Renee left. There was never another woman in his life all those years; in fact, most of his time had been spent with Harry and Billy.

Oh God, did Charlie and Harry? Did he marry her to hide his secret? Harry was gone now, so who did Charlie spend his _time _with?

Billy.

It couldn't be….but it made sense.

When Charlie wasn't working and spending time with Sue and Bella, he was off with Billy.

After the shock wore off, Sue decided that she loved Charlie enough to want him to be happy. She would support him, no matter what.

Charlie was walking around the store with an empty car. His first and last stop: the condoms aisle.

As he stared at the condoms, he realized he wasn't sure what types to get, so he grabbed two of everything. The girl at the check out counter stared at the items in the cart, but tried not to pass judgment. Who knew the Chief of Police was such a stud?

As she scanned the items, she bit back a laugh at the package in her hand.

She wasn't an expert in these things, but she was sure that Charlie Swan did not need XL condoms. She rang up the items silently, until she spotted a familiar package. Glow-in-the dark condoms.

"Oh my boyfriend loves these!" she exclaimed to a red-faced Charlie.

Charlie Swan walked out of the store, carrying every sort of condom available, wondering if Sue would like the glow in the dark condoms.

Bella arrived home much later than she expected. It turned out, she and Jacob _really really _needed to christen the walls of his garage.

She found Sue with her head in her hands at the kitchen table.

"Sue, what's wrong?" she asked hurrying over to her kind-hearted step-mother.

"Bella, I found Charlie searching for some things on the Internet," she whispered. Bella walked over to the computer to see what Charlie had been looking at it. She expected it to be something about fish baits.

Oh crap.

"Sue…who do you think…."

"Charlie and Billy."

"Oh."

Jacob and Billy arrived, along with Seth, and Leah to celebrate the New Year's Eve countdown.

"Seth," Charlie walked into the hallway with a solemn expression on his face.

"Hey, what's up Charlie?"

"I want you to invite Sam, Paul, Jared, Embry, Quil, Brady, and Collin over. I need to talk to them." Seth looked over at Charlie, wondering where he was going with this.

"Why Charlie?"

"Because we need to talk about what you all did this afternoon!" Seth was shocked that Charlie had found out. Did he see them phase too?

The competion had gone from getting on the roof with just two feet, to getting on it with four paws. Seth was proud to boast that he won both competitions, but didn't feel like celebrating anymore. They were in trouble. Big trouble, if Charlie Swan now knew the tribe's secret. Not that his daughter didn't already know, but still.

Seth went over to the phone and called everyone. They were shocked to know that Charlie discovered their secret, and agreed to come over to do some damage control.

As the pack arrived, one by one, at the Swan house, Charlie got up and made his way over to the refrigerator to get another beer when he heard Quil and Embry whispering in the kitchen.

"Do you really think I have a small penis? I asked Jacob and he just laughed at me," Quil explained to Embry.

"Well, I don't know if you should ask me. I have to lie to you because I'm your best friend. You should ask one of the other guys!"

Charlie, shocked, turned around to go back to the living room, when another conversation made its way over to his ears.

"Hey Seth, good job! Way to hit the spot! Twice!"

"THAT'S IT! EVERYONE IN THE LIVING ROOM NOW!" Everybody stopped talking and looked as Charlie's face reddened. He looked like he was about to burst a vein in his forehead.

Everybody gathered in the living room. The pack waited to confront Charlie about his discovery, Bella and Sue glanced at each other, wondering how to confront Charlie, and Charlie wondered he was going to say to the pack.

He walked out of the living room to go get the things he purchased from the store, along with some brochures and printouts he printed from the computer. Standing in the middle of the room, he announced.

"I have something to tell you! I want you to know that I know what you all are, and that I'm okay with it!" Gasps erupted around the crowd as everybody stared at each other. Charlie continued on, needing to get this off of his chest.

"It's okay," he said looking down at the paper where he made notes, "it's okay that you all are homosexuals, but I want you all to be safe when you engage in orgies, so I brought everybody condoms so we can keep the rez from having an outburst of STDs!"

The entire room stared at Charlie as if he had magically transformed into a vampire. Hell, facing a vampire right now would be better than sitting through this. Before anybody could say anything, Charlie turned to Jacob, and said,

"Son, I've known you all of my life, and your father is very important to me," Sue and Bella locked eyes, both wondering what Charlie would say next, "I want you to be safe when you have sex with these boys!"

It was little Brady who started laughing, followed by the entire pack. Even Billy laughed, almost falling out of his wheelchair. Charlie was now angry, "THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, You have to practice safe sex!" he shouted at the roaring crowd.

Sue got up from her seat, wiping away tear and made her way over to Charlie.

"Charlie, Charlie, you don't need to pretend that you bought condoms for the guys. I know that you probably wanted everyone to have a good laugh so it would be easier for you to tell them, but you don't need to make everyone comfortable. We all love you and Billy, and I want you to know that Bella and I support your relationship with Billy," she said, holding Charlie's hand.

"WHAT?" Charlie and Billy asked at the same time, while the pack started laughing all over again.

"Dad, it's okay that you're a homosexual. You too Billy," Bella said, coming over to both of them.

"What is wrong with you two? Why would you think Billy and I are together?" asked a distraught Charlie.

"I saw the things you looked up on the internet."

"And you assumed that it was about me? I wasn't looking up that stuff for me, I was looking up that stuff for your son and his friends who spent all afternoon in an orgy! Oh, and apparently, your daughter likes to watch!"

The guys were laughing so hard, they were practically rolling on the floor in laughter. The thought of Charlie and Billy, the thought of all of them in an orgy, had been the funniest thing they'd ever heard. Charlie didn't take too kindly that he was being laughed at, so he pointed at Quil and Embry.

"I saw you two coming out of Jacob's room naked, and you were just asking Embry if you had a small

penis! And Seth, you said you and your friend wore cut off sweats because they were easy to take off when you're in the moment!"

Jacob and Embry laughed the loudest at Quil, who tried not to die of humiliation.

It was Billy, who stopped laughing first to ask his son why his best friends were coming out of his room, naked.

"There were these girls and they wanted to play strip poker," Jacob explained.

"So you offered my house up as a brothel!" Billy exclaimed, furious at his son.

"What were the rest of you doing at Billy's?" asked Charlie.

"We went up there for a game, first one get to the top of the roof in the fewest steps won a prize. It was a stupid game, but we could only do it at a house that no one would pass by," chimed in Jared.

"Oh," Charlie said unenthusiastically; he wasn't really sure if he bought into it. He turned to Sue, who was still looking at him suspiciously.

"Why did you think Billy and I were together?"

"Well, I don't know. You were never with anyone since Renee, and then I thought that maybe you and Harry, but now that he's gone, maybe you and Billy…"

"Of course not! They're my best friends, that's it. Gosh darn it Sue! I love you!" Charlie exclaimed before kissing Sue on the lips, much to the shock of everyone in the room.

"Chief Swan, we were in Jacob's room with two girls. We were naked because we were playing strip poker," explained Embry.

"Oh..o-okay." The countdown had begun, and Charlie, unable to think of anything more to say, just said,

"Oops…Happy New Year's anyway!" Everyone laughed, glad to get everything sorted out.

The pack were relieved to know Charlie didn't know about the werewolf secret.

Charlie was glad that Sue knew that he loved her and only her.

Billy was wondering whether or not his room had been used by Quil and Embry.

Leah was wondering how to let Quil know that he _really_ did have a small penis.

Bella and Jacob were eyeing the pack of condoms, knowing they'd probably need some for tonight.

After everyone wished each other a happy new year, Paul decided to have some fun of his own.

"Hey Chief Swan,"

"Yeah, Paul,"

"You should give all of those condoms to Jacob. He could use them when he spends all of his free time, pleasuring your daughter in his garage!"

"PAUL!" Jacob and Bella screamed, while Charlie stood absolutely still.

While the crowd continued laughing and celebrating the new year well into the night, Charlie and Sue snuck up to their room with a package of glow-in-the-dark condoms.

He was starting off the new year with a bang!

When Jacob and Bella arrived at Jacob's house the next day, tired from a long night of silent fucking in her bedroom, they looked forward to their usual noisy romp, or two, or three, in the garage.

They were shocked to discover that the doors to his garage had been boarded up.

The day after New Year's, Sue Clearwater had been spotted buying glow-in-the dark condoms at the store.


End file.
